The light out there

Raj can feel a surge of blood to his head. He can barely open his eyes and his legs wobble. Knocking back three bottles of Tiger Beer and half a dozen cans of assorted beer two hours ago had seemed like partaking in heavenly manna. Now that does not seem like a wise idea. He feels terrible and the beer swishing around in his intestines is like a vice, gripping him tight. In hindsight, he regrets the binge. But what could he do? He had been trying and trying, but he just could not free himself from the thrall of alcohol.

He totters along the corridor towards the unit that he shares with his elderly parents. Visages of the crazy drinking moments ago crisscross his mind - Amrit encouraging him to down another, Sanjay already stoned and toppling over the chair, the cackle of the coffeeshop skimming his alcoholic reverie. Drink has caused him to lose his last two jobs, has caused Kareena to leave him, has caused him to lose the strength to carry the kavadi for Thaipusam; drink has wrecked him.

With great difficulty, he manages to find the right key and insert into the lock. The ethanol ether has blinded his vision and crippled his movements. He envisages the wooden door opening and swallowing him into a black hole. Suddenly, a sharp glint of light slashes across his bleary eyes. Shaking his head to rid the pounding ache, he espies his parents seated at the sofa.

His father looks stern - his face set in a stony, inscrutable look. But the slow twitching around his mouth betrays the elderly man's mounting anger. Raj sees rivulets of waterfall dribbling across his mother's leathered face. Why are ma and pa so old all of a sudden, he thinks to himself.

Suddenly, Raj can feel himself flying forward; no, no he is toppling forward onto the sofa. Strong arms grip him and steady his fall. He feels himself plonking into the seat in between his parents. A sourish feeling churns in his gullet, and before he knows it, an emetic projectile erupts from his mouth, splaying the coffee table with dregs of his dinner earlier and the sweetish-sourish pang of beer.

"Look, what you've done!" His father cries out. The elderly man's shoulders are trembling and then, he slaps Raj once on his right cheek. "Thwack" - the blow jolts Raj out of his alcoholic drowse. Images of his earlier boozing and those olden happier days when he and his parents would sit down and chat at the sofa flash across his mind's eye.

"You are a disgrace! Why are you drinking so heavily? Why???" His father screams amidst the amplifying sobs of his mother. Raj blinks his muggy eyes and tries to utter something, but no word comes from his mouth. He looks out at the open door and sees his father holding out his hand to him. His father seems to be saying something to him and exhorting the toddler Raj to come over.

Summoning all his energy, Raj pushes himself off the seat, overturns the vomit-strewn coffee table and runs out of the house. I am coming, dad. Raj pushes himself over the parapet and as the alcoholic mist slowly dissipates from his eyes like cotton wool being gingerly picked apart; he could see his father pushing him on his toddler's toy car; his father and him sharing a joke while fishing; he could see his father giving him a lift on his first day in school...the images keep coming fast like light streaming through the parted cotton wool of his intoxication, and then the light is no more.