A letter to dear PM

Your Majesty,

I am taking this opportunity to write and profess my admiration for Your Highness.

The recent F1 Singapore Grand Prix took my breath away with its grandeur...and I was asphyxiated (Mr Tharman will be proud that I can use a word like 'asphyxiated' and I am a neighbourhood school kid :) ). While grasping for oxgen, I crawled my way to the nearest restructured hospital and was amazed that I could pay for my oxygen tank with the copious moolah (sorry for the slang, but moolah has a nice ring over 'cash', does it not?) in my Medisave. I felt so rich...and I went oohing and aahing into cloud nine.

While my euphoria took me to atmospheric, and some might say, stratospheric heights (I saw Mr Lim Swee Say while he was ascending/levitating in the richness of his life, by the way), I realised that I could breathe so much easier despite the heavy atmospheric pressure, and the fact that my oxygen tank (which was apportioned a certain quantity based on my means-testing result) was depleting fast. An epiphany (I hope you are Christian, Your Majesty) struck me. The good air I could breathe (!) was due to the new creation of the ERP gantries which had led to lesser vehicles on the road and more people using public transport.

Your Majesty, please ignore those people griping about overcrowded MRT trains and buses that do not arrive on time. They are just a complaining bunch who do not realise that crowded and anomalous (another cheem word which Mr Tharman will love!) public transport is a harbinger of cleaner air. This means we have better cardio health and that we are more pre-disposed to dying from doing chin-ups and 5BX than breathing in bad, polluted air!

Your Majesty, you are a ruler with great soul, heart and unwonted intelligence. I can't get enough fix of your wisdom. I am emulating you these days in cultivating an acquired palate of mee siam with cockles. It takes a bit of getting used to, but then again, we mortals also take a while to get used to the PAP government, and now we love you all!

Your Majesty, you strike me as a sensitive soul who tears easily when people disparage you. I can't stand people like that Cheek Soon Juan who keeps getting your goat. He and his bunch of agricultural peasants understand nuts about government, and I can't believe that they are implying our highly-esteemed judges are eaters of cute marsupials! We, a nation of civilised and humane people, eating kangaroo meat! What a joke, Mr Cheek! Shame on you, Mr Cheek!

Your Majesty, you are right in giving Cheek Soon Juan a smack on his white buttocks. The current financial turmoil is spinning the world into a tizzy and Singapore is not spared. How can you, a mere mortal, inspite of your divine birth right and heavenly air, devote attention to fixing the economy when people like Cheek Soon Juan keeps pulling your ear? And yet, you are humane. You gave him a chance to repent, by not throwing him in jail. You were MASsively kind not to extend a Selamat Datang tribute to Cheek notwithstanding his persistent nonsense. For that, you win my admiration.

Your Majesty, you can count on me. I am a true-blue Singaporean who is all talk and no action, like your highly-paid Ministers. Your pantheon does not need to exert any undue perspiration because we serfs are there to 'action' for you.

For your great leadership, you win my admiration and my taxpayer's dollars which go to fund your salary.

I hope it's not too maudlin here, but I love you, Your Majesty.

Can I call you dear Hsien Loong?



Besottedly yours,

Your loyal subject